I love those old-fashioned nutcrackers. You know the ones, the wooden ones designed like toy soldiers. The ones where you put the nut in the mouth and move that wooden lever until the shell cracks.

It’s everything about them. The smell of the wood. The smart painted on uniforms and the vaguely creepy facial features. Especially the teeth. Those pearly white teeth that always look like they are ready to CHOMP. They just look so intimidating.

And the sound they make when they bust through the nutshell and the wooden components clatter against each other. It’s a fun sound.

Of course, being the ball buster I am, I can’t help but imagine what these little holiday staples would do to another type of nuts…

Your nuts.

OH how I would love to slip your balls into that mouth and start pushing the lever. I wonder if the delightful sound of wood on wood would be drowned out by your screams?